It's been quiet in the anger front. Anger is not gone, it only has been lost under hectic days and massive workload. I like it better that way.

Some progress in anger management. The unconscious has been working hard and gave me out of the blue a quite precise definition about what is exactly the thing that makes freak out. All this avoiding just because I have been surprised with unpleasent - oh, what an underestimating expression - news in the past, and now with him my self-protection instict is activated. It keeps saying me 'go, run, flee, save yourself, hide away from bad, don't break the illusion', so it is the ostrich effect.

I've been puzzled to realize that I might be soon ready to meet him. Make a cautious effort to communicate. Still I'm too unsure about what can be gained with that effort. Nothing can be lost, though, because everthing is already lost. He has been giving promising signals lately, which gives me marginal strength to fight against the anger.

Should we go out next week and should the evening become dirty again, I need to be ready. But for which of the men? The one who made me cry an ocean for many years, or the one who has been ready to dry the tears for as long?

*Acknowledgment of the day: the hot banker and the still-warming hugs of goodbye.

Women condition the demonstration of caring and friendship on special events. Occasional presents and celebrations at fixed points in time. Many of my female friends obsessively save on phone bills and therefore they do not call without a purpose. Hi, it's me, just checking how you are doing tonight, anything on your heart, honey? No. Okay, it's good to be economic on daily consumption but can you really put a price tag on friendship. These women can. It is the value of a birthday present you receive once a year, end of the budget.

It feels that I have more male than female friends. I'm actually not sure about the gender distribution but this feeling probably comes from the fact that my male friends are more involved in my everyday life. A random purposeless call, lunch meetings on demand - not on responsibility as with the female friends - and hey let's chat now but let's not make a drama about it. Do I ever get presents from my these men? No. Still they assign roughly the same monetary value on our friendship than the gift-giving females and yet it feels way more valuable. It comes in bits and pieces, as is the case with the demand for a friendly thought, too. Supply and demand in equilibrium.

Probably the most cheering thing about growing-up is the acceptance of being confidently crazy. Self-acceptance. And in this job, in particular, nobody really cares for little non-normalities because they can be attributed to creativity or the nutty professor syndrome. Either case, not too bad. I actually enjoy making the unexpected - that makes me me. It just happens, can't control it.

*Acknowledgement of the day: mister nicest-nice guy at the door.

It's all exploding on my face now. Why to be such a masochist that always seeks into troubles at any cost. Therapist consultation would have been much less costly an option. I mean, this can cost me a career, while very poorly paid but still. Never mind the reputation of being a freak.

Funny how difficult it is to find the sentences to describe the situation to a third person. Is it because the third person could question the existence of any situation here. Is it all only in my head? I am so totally lost in my thoughts that I can't separate the reality from my feelings anymore. And the explanations. Is virtually all a lie?

As if Mozart and two dozens of beautiful tulips would bring an interrupted life over to easy careless luxuriously troubleless well-being. As the boss just said, please please do try to find peace with your history. Yes, that's what we have been struggling with for long now. Without saying things loud. Without saying how they are or, better still, how they weren't.

Honey, I honestly didn't mean to hurt you.