anger management | lesson 2.3

Tears uncovered

2006-06-09T00:10:00+03:00

It's been quiet in the anger front. Anger is not gone, it only has been lost under hectic days and massive workload. I like it better that way.

Some progress in anger management. The unconscious has been working hard and gave me out of the blue a quite precise definition about what is exactly the thing that makes freak out. All this avoiding just because I have been surprised with unpleasent - oh, what an underestimating expression - news in the past, and now with him my self-protection instict is activated. It keeps saying me 'go, run, flee, save yourself, hide away from bad, don't break the illusion', so it is the ostrich effect.

I've been puzzled to realize that I might be soon ready to meet him. Make a cautious effort to communicate. Still I'm too unsure about what can be gained with that effort. Nothing can be lost, though, because everthing is already lost. He has been giving promising signals lately, which gives me marginal strength to fight against the anger.

Should we go out next week and should the evening become dirty again, I need to be ready. But for which of the men? The one who made me cry an ocean for many years, or the one who has been ready to dry the tears for as long?

*Acknowledgment of the day: the hot banker and the still-warming hugs of goodbye.

What I like about men

2006-05-01T21:53:00+03:00

Women condition the demonstration of caring and friendship on special events. Occasional presents and celebrations at fixed points in time. Many of my female friends obsessively save on phone bills and therefore they do not call without a purpose. Hi, it's me, just checking how you are doing tonight, anything on your heart, honey? No. Okay, it's good to be economic on daily consumption but can you really put a price tag on friendship. These women can. It is the value of a birthday present you receive once a year, end of the budget.

It feels that I have more male than female friends. I'm actually not sure about the gender distribution but this feeling probably comes from the fact that my male friends are more involved in my everyday life. A random purposeless call, lunch meetings on demand - not on responsibility as with the female friends - and hey let's chat now but let's not make a drama about it. Do I ever get presents from my these men? No. Still they assign roughly the same monetary value on our friendship than the gift-giving females and yet it feels way more valuable. It comes in bits and pieces, as is the case with the demand for a friendly thought, too. Supply and demand in equilibrium.

Freak show

2006-04-07T12:16:00+03:00

Probably the most cheering thing about growing-up is the acceptance of being confidently crazy. Self-acceptance. And in this job, in particular, nobody really cares for little non-normalities because they can be attributed to creativity or the nutty professor syndrome. Either case, not too bad. I actually enjoy making the unexpected - that makes me me. It just happens, can't control it.

*Acknowledgement of the day: mister nicest-nice guy at the door.

Admitting fragility

2006-04-06T10:42:00+03:00

It's all exploding on my face now. Why to be such a masochist that always seeks into troubles at any cost. Therapist consultation would have been much less costly an option. I mean, this can cost me a career, while very poorly paid but still. Never mind the reputation of being a freak.

Funny how difficult it is to find the sentences to describe the situation to a third person. Is it because the third person could question the existence of any situation here. Is it all only in my head? I am so totally lost in my thoughts that I can't separate the reality from my feelings anymore. And the explanations. Is virtually all a lie?

As if Mozart and two dozens of beautiful tulips would bring an interrupted life over to easy careless luxuriously troubleless well-being. As the boss just said, please please do try to find peace with your history. Yes, that's what we have been struggling with for long now. Without saying things loud. Without saying how they are or, better still, how they weren't.

Honey, I honestly didn't mean to hurt you.

Life wanted to rent

2006-03-18T14:45:00+02:00

Naked

2006-03-15T22:00:00+02:00

I quit

2006-03-06T14:04:00+02:00

there's no other way out this development.

Thinking forbidden, flirting recommended

2006-02-11T14:18:00+02:00

Twin and I have secret lovers. By accident, they are also friends. This only proves that the world we are experimenting in is the smallest - and that cats are overly irresistible. We are playing with fire and living it all counterfactually. This should have been before. Definitely ironic.

On the contrary, professor is playing hard to get. Being passive is in fact more insulting than being actively nasty. The opposite of love is not hate, it is neglect. Have I already said this before? Back to the professor, our relationship is fragile. We had a couple of good weeks during which I almost felt like part of the Faculty, but somehow, the mood was wrecked down in one second. Just another panic. I would love to get an approval for my plan but he hadn't yet figured out the utility in it. We'll meet next week and I'll ask him is he familiar with pups called Support and Encouragement. This should be a mutual thing, you know, honey, let's hug a little, yeees, thanks, now back to work.

Oh, I met the Musicman. Fancied about him this whole hangover day. What's hanging is the sight of him, his shyness, his website, his band... Never thought of dating a famous man but now - why not. If he is shy, anything goes.

*Acknowledgments of yesterday: adorable twin-kissekatt, love you much.

Designed for life

2006-02-02T22:37:00+02:00

where' s the energy? I just don'tget this life...

A footnote - no added value

2006-01-18T23:10:00+02:00

Funny how a google ad guy - or alternatively, the Semantics Analyzer Intelligent Machine XN5109 - keeps analyzing the content of my blog. Anger management has been previously offered "inspiration, happiness, poetry, spiritual", but "inspiration" has now been replaced with "depression". Fucking perceptive text analysis. I have lost the inspiration (but the poor thing doesn't know it was lost already a year ago) and depression is still in the air. Now back to breathing.